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01/27/2004: "Tuesday's Child."

I’m not having a good day.

I had a tiring week and a tiring weekend. I’ve a wisdom tooth coming through and my face, neck, back and chest are covered in acne. A new drug my doctor prescribed causes acne, but I don’t know if what I have is caused by that or fatigue and stress.

Either way, I am in a reasonable amount of discomfort. I have blood-filled spots around the lobes of one ear, whiteheads in another, whiteheads around my nose, skin flaking from my nose, large spots on my forehead and spots around the crown and back of my head.

My chest is mottled with red spots ranging from in size from pin-pricks to size of a penny. There, too, the skin is flaking and whiteheads abound. My skin is so sensitive that even gentle scratching leaves florid, red, marks on my chest.

My sternum is most badly affected, consisting of a series of bumps and ridges where spots are filling with pus beneath my skin. My back is also covered with small mounds and topographical features. There, however, the primary discolouration is brown.

I have had flair-ups like this before, but I am unsually annoyed this day. All I want is a normal life and normal skin.

I’m tired of hiding from having my picture taken. I’m tired of being looked at. I’m tired of feeling that my spots put people off their food. I’m tired having the wrinkles of a middle-aged man and the acne of a teenager.

I’m tired of having to be so fucking placid and accepting. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being stared at. I’m tired of taking months and months to feel comfortable enough so that I think people are used to how I look.

Have you any idea what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not know what you’ll look like that day? If you face will be clear or acne-ridden? It’s OK in the morning – will it be OK by the afternoon? Have you any idea what it’s like to wake up for FOURTEEN YEARS and not know what you look like?

What shape is my face without the puffiness caused by my drugs? What size is my nose without being it being filled with puss and covered with spots? What’s my non-drugged skin like? How hairy am I naturally?

I want to get angry. I want to shout and rant and rage and become so hateful, vengeful, of my situation that my I snap in two and am left clawing at the ground with spittle hanging from my mouth and with fire in my eyes.

I can’t though, because it’s not worth it. It doesn’t accomplish anything. I can’t change shit. What am I going to do? Stop taking my drugs? Lose my kidney to get clear skin and confidence? I either put up with these side-effects and consider myself lucky, or I give in to desperation and vanity, stop taking my drugs and watch my face return to normal as my health withers away; I’m a human cost-benefit ratio.

I’m desperate to live something other than logic.

Replies: 5 Comments

on Tuesday, January 27th, DaninVan said

.................ewwww

on Friday, January 30th, Sancho said

The only potential source of your vanity is by thinking that you're one of the few "human cost-benefit ratios" out there.

And aside from weighing the up's and down's of your side-effects and health respectively, you should perhaps spread your concerns to aspects other than simply your appearance, and other people's opinions of you.

It's your personality with others that will set an accurate opinion of yourself in their eyes, and if you're nonchalant about your minor health conditions, the people you're around will be too.

on Saturday, January 31st, IDgaf said

I appreciate the advice. I'll clarify a few things.

I realise there are other people with problems like mine, or worse than mine. However the majority of people in England(thankfully) don't have to put up with crap like this.

There are various ways of coping with chronic renal failure/transplantation, thinking of oneself as 'special' is one of them. More often than not, actually, one learns to accept one's problems by putting them into perspective with problems of other people. Sometimes though, we need to allow ourselves the luxury of a moment's
self-absorption.

My personality is fine. I'm pleasant to speak to, fun to be around, witty, erudite and charming.

The problem arises when one doesn't have time for prolonged social interaction. A moment on the bus, a few minutes on the tube (subway). Here there is no ability for me to show them that 'Hey, I might look a bit funky but I'm a decent guy'. So I keeep my commuter face on and try not to put my head down.

FWIW I've been running this website for almost five years, only mentioning the transplant a few weeks ago. I talk about my health problems IRL even less frequently.

on Saturday, January 31st, DaninVan said

Yeh, what you said, Id'!
And besides it makes me appreciate MY good fortune!! You know "There but for the Grace...) :O

on Friday, March 5th, SoulThief said

No one should abandon the well being of the self
for the sake of another.
Each person is solely responsible for his condition
and no one else can assume another's responsibility.
Just be a light to others.
Each person must remain centered in the peace and harmony
of his or her own physical and spiritual essence
in order to live moment to moment
within the Infinite peace and harmony.

- Sayings of Buddha I - The Dhammapada