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12/23/2003: ""I don't want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of what I can't escape is even worse.""

There's no point in getting angry.

My kidney transplant is starting to wobble. It's not filtering the poisons in my body as well as it should, so I'm going for a biopsy in January. They might change my immunosuppressants. I've had the transplant for almost 14 years. I've never been on dialysis. I'm concerned.

Aside from kidneys packing in, renal transplant patients are prone to death from heart problems, infections and cancers. My blood pressure is fine. The infection in my finger has gone down. The doctor said the types of wart I have can be associated with cancer. The warts are starting to spread.

When I got the (unforseen) letter for my biopsy appointment, I didn't know if they were worried about the kidney or the threat of cancer. I juggled with which I'd prefer - lose a transplant, get a cancer. Know that a decent quality of life and health would worsen dramatically, or the quality known as 'existence' might itself be threatened.

The doctor told me the warts normally dissapear with immunosuppressant removal; but so does the transplant - "Six of one and half a dozen of the other," as he said.

I'm writing this because a friend said I should allow myself to. I'm writing this to afford myself a measure of public reflection.

I'm writing this because, one day, I might allow myself to tell you how wonderful the world I live in can be.

Replies: 9 Comments

on Tuesday, December 23rd, Sway said

Geez, buddy, you mention your URL in casual conversation yesterday and I check it out to find this? I don't even know your name, but I suddenly know you've been dealt a very rough hand indeed. I'm having a tough time matching the witty gamer with the impeccable sense of humor with which I've only recently hung out, with the author of this site who clearly has a lot on his mind. I realize this reflection may have just unwittingly become more public than you originally intended, but I hope it doesn't detract from any catharsis writing this provided you. I'm having difficulties in phrasing my reaction. I guess it's because I don't know you well enough to know what specifically to say. It doesn't make my reaction any less real or any less sincere. I suppose it's best described as one of general compassion and disatisfaction of the unfairness that life can demonstrate. I applaud your courage for allowing yourself to write it and look forward to hearing about what you mentioned in the last paragraph.

on Tuesday, December 23rd, IDgaf said

Hey. Thanks for dropping by. Don't worry, it's not normally like this.

Anyway, everyone has a lot on their mind - it's just that my stuff (could) be a bit more dramatic than most.

For what it's worth, I might edit that piece for clarity; I don't want to mislead people. I don't have cancer, but I have indicators of things that, in other renal patients, have been known to cause cancer. It was enough for the doctor to start checking me for lumps and bumps (but not to give me a cough and drop, sadly).

The kidney thing, that's a certainty. My transplanted kidney *will* fail; not if, but when. All transplants fail. The question is how soon - 3 months? 1 year? The docs will keep it going as long as possible.

It's good to give voice to my concerns and, while I'm a fan of drama, I don't want to be so theatrical as to be misleading.

Even the most dramatic things can be mundane - mankind's curse and man's blessing.

EDIT: Oh and Cat and Mouse my man, Cat and Mouse!

on Wednesday, December 24th, DaninVan said

:O
Holy shit!......
Listen, if you're gonna boink Greenfairy, you better pick up the pace, eh?
So, when the site is ,uh, dormant for a time, how will we know that you're still with us and just procrastinating instead of, uh, ummm, not with us...?

on Wednesday, December 24th, IDgaf said

I doubt I'll ever meet Greef. I tried, but I'm no good at stuff like that.

If I have to go into hospital, I might write about it. (If I don't think it's too self-absorbed.)

I've often thought how I'd let the newsletter people know if I died (bus crash etc.); not sure how I could.

on Wednesday, December 24th, Sway said

Very morbid, but I've thought the same thing, myself. Nowadays we interact with so many people from all over the world. It's not like word would just spread where it needed to. Perhaps a list of forum URLs and e-mail addresses should be added in a section of my will.

That being said, have a good holiday. I hope to see you online at some point. Afer all, it's only on the weekends that I'm online while y'all in the UK are still awake.

And, IDgaf, there are a million ways to contact me listed in my profile on my site. Feel free to issue a missive

on Wednesday, December 24th, DaninVan said

I KNOW that you'll come back if for no other reason than to tell me "I told you so! There IS a God!!" :P

on Thursday, December 25th, DaninVan said

Man Commits Suicide to Escape Nagging Wife

DAR ES SALAAM, Tanzania (Reuters) - A Tanzanian man killed himself by drinking a chemical used in cattle dips, leaving a suicide note saying it was to escape a nagging wife, police said on Wednesday.

The body of the 32-year-old was found in the commercial capital Dar es Salaam on Sunday with the suicide note and a glass containing traces of the chemical, used for killing insects on livestock, regional police commissioner Alfred Tibaigana told Reuters.

"I've decided to end my life," Tibaigana quoted the suicide note as saying.

"I am fed up with the constant nagging of my first wife."

Police did not have any further details about the man's death in the east African country, where polygamy is common. ;)

on Thursday, December 25th, IDgaf said

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0%2C3604%2C1107771%2C00.html

I know someone who was on the jury.

"Detective Chief Inspector Martyn Underhill, said outside court: "This woman is every man's nightmare. For a decade, she has targeted men sexually, financially, physically. The men of Britain can sleep safe tonight knowing she has been taken off the streets."

Every man's nightmare? I think he's overstating the case. I should imagine that honour goes to the Amazonian fish that swim up one's cock and can't be removed.

on Thursday, December 25th, DaninVan said

Can't be removed? Sure they can...but you'll be singing
falsetto